


even if it hurts, i smile

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Chatting & Messaging, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of self-harm, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: tsukishima kei is in pieces, and yamaguchi tadashi always has to stitch him back together again.[title from i smile by DAY6]





	1. who

**_tsukishima:_** hey. i miss you. it's been a week since we graduated... are you still in miyagi?

 

_**yamaguchi:**_  sorry, who is this?


	2. new phone

_**tsukishima**_ : did you... delete my number?

_**yamaguchi**_ : tsukki? is this you..? you got a new phone last month, and you forgot to give me your new number

_**tsukishima**_ : oh

_**yamaguchi**_ : and yes, i'm still in miyagi, why?

_**tsukishima**_ : can we hang out?

_**yamaguchi**_ : why

_**tsukishima**_ : is there a reason i should give you

_**yamaguchi**_ :i mean, after you completely ignored me for four months straight? yes.


	3. apologies

_**tsukishima**_ : i didn't mean to ignore you

_**yamaguchi**_ : thats straight up bullshit

_**yamaguchi**_ : the fuck do you mean you "didn't mean to"

_**yamaguchi**_ : "oh yeah i completely forgot to talk to my ONLY childhood best friend!! hahahaha!!!"

_**tsukishima**_ : yamaguchi i'm sorry

_**yamaguchi**_ : sorry won't cut it

 

_**yamaguchi**_ : tsukki. why are you outside my house?


	4. rain

_**yamaguchi**_ : fuck it, i don't need an answer. come inside, the door's unlocked

* * *

Tsukishima has his head down as he walks inside—still dripping wet—and switches his shoes for the slippers that Yamaguchi _still_ put near the door for him.

"Ya—" he's cut off before he can say anything, "Please, Tsukki. Don't talk."

The blond swallows, awkwardly standing in front of the closed door.

Yamaguchi continues, "Let me get you your towel first, okay? My parents are coming home tomorrow and I'd rather not have to mop the floors again."

He nods and the brunet leaves to the bathroom. He's left alone with his thoughts. He hasn't even said a word except for a small ' _sorry for the intrusion_ ' when he first came in. Really, why was he here? It's rude enough that he had come here uninvited, what's next?

Yamaguchi comes back before he slips too far, "Tsukki? Here, dry yourself off with this."

Tsukishima takes the towel in his hands. It's the cartoonish velociraptor one that he had left here back in second year.

"Y-you kept this?" is all he manages to stay, stunned.

"Of course I did." the brunet's voice cracks slightly. Tsukishima is unsure of what this means. He goes ahead and dries off his wet hair and exposed skin. Yamaguchi goes to his room and comes back with galaxy pajamas.

"B-before you ask," he takes a deep breath, "I have _all_ the stuff you keep leaving here. I'm not just going to throw them all away, Tsukki."

"Do you mind if I change in front of you?" he asks, trying to ignore what Yamaguchi was saying.

The brunet frowns, "You already know the answer to that. You're trying to avoid conversation. I'm not surprised."

He hangs his head, biting his tongue.


	5. please don't

Tsukishima changes his clothes, they're in complete silence as he does so. After folding his wet clothes and walking to the laundry room to put them in the washing machine, he finally speaks up and looks at Yamaguchi, "I miss you, Yamaguchi."

There's a long pause, then the boy sighs, " _Please_ don't do this right now. You can't just suddenly spring back into my life after months of ignoring me."

"But I did," he says without thinking.

The brunet twitches, "Yes, and it hurts, you know? I-I don't know what you're trying to do. Hell, I can't even read you at this point. What was your plan, Tsukki? Did I do something wrong?"

"Remember when you swore for the first time?" he's trying to make a point, but it feels like he's just bluffing.

"Yes... What are you getting at?"

"I froze for five minutes straight. You said "shit" because you accidentally stepped on your cat. What was its name?" he asks.

"Hatsume," the other replies, "but Tsukki, what does this have to do anything?"

"I'm just talking out of my ass. I don't know what to say."

Yamaguchi takes a few seconds to look at him, scanning his face like he was trying to solve a puzzle; technically, he _is_ solving one. Tsukishima was a jigsaw puzzle that would take years to complete.

"Are you here... to apologise?" the blond nods.

"I'm sorry, Yamaguchi. I'm really sorry. I was an idiot and let my personal thoughts get to me. Th-the thing is... I like you, a lot, actually. And it scared me..."

Another long pause comes, then Yamaguchi lets out a choked sob.

"How  _the fuck_ are you expecting me to react?!" he screams, tears prickling at his eyes, "Did you expect me to suddenly forgive you? Because I am, and I hate myself because it was _that_ easy. Why?"

Tsukishima is frozen in place. His best friend was giving out mixed signals, he isn't sure what to say.

" _Please_ don't say anything. You can stay in the guest room. There's leftovers in the fridge. Don't talk to me for the rest of the night." Yamaguchi walks out of the room.

Tsukishima finds tears running down his face, and suddenly he's crying too. He takes his glasses off to wipe his tears away. He feels the air leaving his lungs; already in a coughing fit. Something comes out of his throat as he kneels down in pain. When he finally stops coughing and his throat and stomach feel like they're on fire, flower petals are scattered all over the floor. He's unable to look at them properly, passing out afterwards.


	6. i have questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi's pov. happens after he leaves the laundry room.  
> chapter title from i have questions by camila cabello

_**yamaguchi**_ : oikawa-san

 _ **oikawa**_ : eh? yama-chan? i was just about to tell you something!

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : ...how important is it?

 _ **oikawa**_ : is there anything wrong? it's not that imporant by your standards

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : tsukki came over

 _ **oikawa**_ : oh fuck.

 _ **oikawa**_ : did you invite him?

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : no actually im not mentally okay

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : but he was outside my house and i couldve just left the door locked

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : then its fucjing rainignf so I DIDNT

 ** _oikawa_** : tadashi

 _ **oikawa**_ : are you crying?

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : yes

 _ **oikawa**_ : do you want me to call you?

 _ **yamaguchi**_ : please.

 _ **oikawa**_ : okay.

* * *

 

A familiar ringtone comes right after, and Yamaguchi swipes right to answer it.

"Tadashi?" Oikawa barely calls him by his first name, it was usually when they were in deep conversation that they'd refer to each other as such.

"T-Tooru-san.." he chokes back a sob, "What do I do?"

"Let's start by sequencing the events. Take your time, I'm here. Remember to breathe, too." He was always so kind to Yamaguchi. It made him feel slightly better, knowing that Oikawa was there, patiently waiting.

"H-he t-texted me th-that he missed me.. A-and wanted to hang out.." he takes a deep breath.

"And then?"

"N-next thing I-I knew, h-he was outside m-my house. I-I had to let him in.. I gave him a towel a-and a change of clothes.. We-we didn't talk. Until we reached the laundry room."

Oikawa sighs, "Is this where it goes downhill?"

"Y-yeah," the freckled brunet continues, "H-he started apologising, I t-told him not to do this.. He said he l-liked me.. I screamed at him and left." He breaks down, covering his mouth to control it.

"Just let it out. Let it _all_ out. Tadashi, do you forgive him?"

"Yes, and I hate myself for it."

"Forgiving someone after they've fucked you over is okay, you know. It's unhealthy, in a way, but that doesn't mean you have to hate yourself for doing it. What he did to you was not good, but it would lift a burden off your shoulders if you made up. It's easy to forgive, and hard to forget." He takes in what Oikawa said.

"Tooru-san, what if I don't like him back?"

Something crashes, it sounded like glass, he doesn't know.

"Tadashi, is he still in the laundry room?" the older boy's tone changed, much more serious than before.

"I think so?" he's confused, unsure what was happening.

"Get a first aid kit and towels. Check on him right now." it's a command, he does it because Oikawa always knew best, well, most of the time.

"What—why?" Yamaguchi couldn't help but ask.

"Tadashi, there's a huge chance he is coughing up flowers right now. I'm worried for the both of you. Go check on him, _please_." Oikawa's tone is desperate, he's speaking faster than before.

Yamaguchi's stomach drops; his mouth dries; feeling light-headed all of a sudden.

"I-I will," is all he manages to croak out before ending the call and rushing to the laundry room with a first aid kit and towels in his hands.


	7. hanging by a thread

Yamaguchi runs into the laundry room and immediately gets down on the floor beside Tsukishima. Fuck. This is bad.

"Tsukki? Tsukki?" he calls out helplessly.

The blond is thoroughly passed out, so he rolls Tsukishima over and begins to clean him up. he still has a pulse, thank God, but Yamaguchi couldn't help but notice the flowers scattered all over the floor. He shakes his head and avoids looking at them, not wanting to see what they resembled.

"Tsukki, I'm so sorry," he sniffs, "Y-you deserve better.."

The brunet eventually finishes, carrying Tsukishima as he goes back to his room. He places him on the bed then gets water and medicine for him. He takes the other boy's glasses off and places them on the bedside table.

He looks at him one more time before breaking down into tears.

 _I'm a_   _horrible person,_ he thinks.

* * *

 

Tsukishima wakes up hours later, feeling incredibly fatigued. The world is blurry, he feels slightly dizzy.

"What happened..?" he whispers to himself. His throat throbs in pain.

The blond looks to the left and sees Yamaguchi sleeping beside him. Tears stain his cheeks and he's immediately hit by a memory of him vomiting. His heart sinks to his stomach, the nauseating feeling is there again.

"I'm sorry, Tadashi."

He's never called him by his first name before.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short bc i didnt want to elaborate too much sorry


	8. trapped

Tsukishima closes his eyes, memories flash around his dark vision, different emotions running through him at once. He hears static, it's annoying.

 _You're absolutely pathetic_ , an unknown voice tells him.

_Look at what you put Tadashi through. He thinks it's HIS fault that this happened. No, it's all your fault for catching these useless feelings for him. Maybe if you weren't such a fucking coward, he'd like you back._

_Why don't you just die already? It would do so much good. He's better off without you._

Tsukishima can't find it in himself to argue.


	9. don't gotta say anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from san francisco by 5 seconds of summer

_**tsukishima:**_ kuroo-san

 _ **kuroo:**_ yes?

 _ **tsukishima:**_ i think i should get surgery

 _ **tsukishima:**_ it hurts so much, kuroo-san

 _ **tsukishima:**_ it hurts

 _ **kuroo:**_ ....i'm sorry, tsukishima. i don't know how to help you

 _ **kuroo:**_ did you talk to yamaguchi yet?

 _ **tsukishima:**_ he doesn't want to hear it, apparently

 _ **tsukishima:**_ i mean i guess i saw it coming

 _ **tsukishima:**_ hahahahahaha im such an asshole lol i want to kill myself

 _ **kuroo:**_ tsukishima please don't

 _ **tsukishima:**_ i'm being melodramatic wow i'm so fucking annoying

 _ **kuroo:**_ you're not. it's okay

 _ **tsukishima:**_ it isn't okay and it will NEVER be okay

 _ **tsukishima:**_ i puke my guts out every fucking day

 ** _tsukishima:_** how do u think i feel

 _ **tsukishima:**_ fuck it i'm going offline

_**tsukishima**   **disconnects**_

 


End file.
